50 Shades Movie Set to Ruin Two Budding Acting Careers

charlie

I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy, so my first exposure to Charlie Hunnam was in this Summer’s vastly underrated Pacific Rim. I’d like to say that his performance as “Maverick” Jaeger pilot Raleigh Becket was the steady foundation and solid heart that a special effects-heavy action film needed, but that distinction really goes to Idris Elba or the delightfully nerdy Rob Kazinsky or Rinko Kikuchi or Charlie Day or Burn Gorman or Max Martini or Ron Perlman. Or, really, even the tech guy with the quiff and the sideburns whose backstory was apparently irrelevant. But while Hunnam’s bland, Ken Doll-ish features and bland, Ken Doll-ish acting didn’t exactly impress me, I still feel sorry for whatever career he might’ve had before yesterday’s announcement.

Yes, ladies, your long torturous, ball-gagged wait is over: Charlie Hunnam will be your emotionally abusive male lead in what will surely be the worst film of whichever year it is released. IMDB tells me 2014, but my heart says never.

dakota

Not to be outdone, Dakota Johnson, daughter of Melanie Griffiths and Don Johnson (yes, really) is your clumsy, unremarkable female lead, Ana Steele.

I thought I hadn’t seen her in anything, but IMDB informs me that I saw her both as smug, superior ladycop Fugazy in 21 Jump Street and as Amelia Ritter in The Social Network (I have no idea).

Congratulations to you both, and here’s to all the Lifetime and Hallmark TV movies in your future!

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